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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Celestial Reviews 364 May 25
Date: Mon, 29 May 2000 23:10:12 -0400
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Celestial Reviews 364 -" May 25, 2000
Note: My reviews have been slightly delayed lately, because I have been
working on my novel, which is more fun.
I have consulted with some knowledgeable people, and they assure me that I
can publish the novel in such a way as to have a shot at the Top 10 Lists (by
being available in bookstores, supermarkets and such places) and still let me
keep my anonymity. Apparently all I have to do is find a responsible, ethical
agent and work out the arrangements with that person [bad text] e obvious pun
in the preceding sentence, when I have time for only a few stories, they tend
to be good ones. If you look at the stories I review in this issue, you'll
find some good ones.
I'll try to resume my old pace. I'll also try to renew contact with some of
my reviewers. If anyone wants to join the corps of reviewers, just let me
know.
Third note: A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes
in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a
little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of
both a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis... AND a
brain?"
Fourth Note: A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night
together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he
emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the
bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his
body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and
she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we
had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================
"Crossroads" by Wiseguy (workplace romance) 10, 10, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=619815890
"Jason's Power" by E.Z. Riter (mind control) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=619828826
"Turnabout Is Fair Play" by Uther Pendragon (contraceptive foreplay) 10, 10,
10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=611785778
"All Hands" by Sasha Lorring (threesome) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=616901235
"Private Party" by Michael Smith (orgy) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=619050051
"Portrait of a Lady" by Beltorion (artful sex) 8, 8, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=619062987
"Transformation" by Tonytony3 (medicinal sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=483455846
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=483460853
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=483460859
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=483461982
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=483461989.
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Fish or Cut Bait" by Phil Phantom (family sex). Myers: No numerical rating
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=619331832
"Knocking up the Daughter" by Phil Phantom (incest). BillyG: 9.5, 9, 9
"A Day at the Beach" by Henrik Larsen (seaside fantasy). Cartwright: 8.5, 9,
8.5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=601102561
=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================
"Crossroads" by Wiseguy.
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=619815890
This story loaded onto my computer at 101 pages. The first twenty were
set-up, based on the jargon of a high-tech business that I didn't really
understand. Indeed -" and I mean no offense here -" one of the main reasons
I'm in a low-paying job like teaching is that I don't like the idea of
dealing with the technological concepts the author describes in the first 20
pages.
By page 30, Our Narrator is attending a conference in Salt Lake City and has
met a young lady who needs help studying for a certification exam, and they
are in her room, discussing the Java console, the FastTrack Web server,
DNS/DHCP, NDPS, and ZENworks.
Page 31, and they're still sleeping single in their double beds -" at adjacent
but separate hotels. This in a town that specializes in polygamy!
I'm writing this review while I read the story. I'm sure the story is going
to get a lot hotter real soon; but let me tell you what I know about this
part of the country. First of all, the landing at the airport in Salt Lake
City is one of the most beautiful I have ever experienced. You land in a
field surrounded by mountains. As we drove off to Provo in the shuttle bus, I
noticed that some of the mountains were labeled. That is, one of them had a
huge U on its side near the top. I asked the driver, and he told me that the
U stood for "Utah," because the University of Utah was in that city. Sure
enough, when we got to Provo, there was a huge "Y" for "Young," as in Brigham
Young, in a similar location on a nearby mountain.
We stopped in several small towns before we reached my destination in Provo.
I remember Orem and several other places with distinctly biblical
nomenclature. The thing I remember most about these small towns is that they
all had their air conditioners on the roof. I may be giving away too much
information about my locale; but where I come from we put the AC in a window
or in the backyard. I never did figure out why the air conditioners were all
on the roof. Maybe it's a Mormon thing. Maybe Donny and Marie did it and so
everybody else followed suit. Or maybe it's because there used to be a lot of
dinosaurs in Utah.
Utah is the Beehive State. It took me a while to figure this out, but all the
state route signs are shaped like beehives. I thought maybe there were a lot
of beekeepers in the state; but it's actually just a metaphor. Utavians are
"busy as bees."
As we drove along, the bus driver pointed out the state penitentiary off to
the side of the road. He bragged about the most recent execution there. It
turns out that Utavians are extremely proud of their executions. This rubbed
me the wrong way at first, but then I went jogging in Provo at 5:00 a.m. one
morning before a conference session. I ran along street after street of
houses with people obviously asleep and their front doors wide open.
Expensive bicycles were unlocked on porches. I concluded that maybe if the
local folks brag enough about their executions, then they don't have to worry
about criminals molesting them in the night.
The biggest shock to my system in Provo was that I couldn't buy a Diet Coke
on the campus at BYU. It's a Mormon thing. Or maybe it's related to the
executions. Anyway, I went across the street from the campus and bought a
supersized meal at McDonald's and got a refill on my Diet Coke and brought it
back to my next session. Nobody hassled me, but I couldn't help thinking the
Mormon campus police were sizing me up for an execution.
OK. If the story can digress from sex, then the review can digress from the st
ory. If the story doesn't get down to some real good sex real soon, I'll tell
you what I know about New Mexico.
It's on page 64 that we find the couple in an elevator, Kate sighing and
pressing a little harder against Tom, rubbing her butt up against the lump of
his hardening cock. Thence we make a rapid transition from brains to groins
and groans.
The sex is great but brief. By page 71 Tom is having an early midlife crisis.
That is, he's deciding to leave the job he hates and move halfway across the
country from DC to be near his new love. But he uses her clitoris to help
resolve this crisis, and so the sex remains hot.
As far as STORIES go, this one is outstanding. However, it falls a bit short
as a SEX STORY. There really is just a little too much techno-talk for my
tastes. On the other hand, the sex is really good; and I really do enjoy hot
sexual activity in a motivated context. Indeed, if you are one of the
millions of geeks with little life beyond the CRT and are bored with your job
and need an incentive to get laid, this story could save your life.
As I reread the preceding part of this review, it occurred to me that I might
have over-emphasized the problem of techno-talk. So let me add right here
that the story includes other real-world elements that are relevant to the
broader range of human relationships -" e.g., how to get along with a person
who's hot for your body and wants to hire you but sees an ethical problem in
boinking her employee and an emotional problem in refraining from doing so.
You'll have to wait until another time to hear about New Mexico. As far as I
know, there isn't even a penitentiary anywhere near Albuquerque, but it is
extremely easy to get a diet soft drink almost anywhere in the state, as long
as the place hasn't burnt down in a forest fire.
Ratings for "Crossroads"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Jason's Power" by E.Z. Riter (ezriter@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=619828826
At first Jason seemed to be a nice guy. He lived next door to Cindy -" a
15-year-old who was overweight and shy and needed a shoulder to lean on; and
he was willing to use his amazing powers as an amateur hypnotist to help
Cindy solve her problems. But then he hypnotizes her to hate chocolate! Why
would one human being do that to another? After all, chocolate is a
vegetable, high in multiple vitamins and practically free of calories, as
long as it is ingested in moderate quantities and followed by sexually
athletic activities.
But Cindy loses 20 pounds real quickly and becomes self-confident. She even
spies on Jason while he boinks a neighbor lady, thereby achieving the first
two orgasms of her young life.
Although he's still a teenager, Jason makes big bucks as a sort of marriage
consultant. Jason consults with the husband and wife, then makes hypnotic
suggestions to eliminate their marriage problems. That's really sorta sweet,
even though his methods are a bit unorthodox.
I was going to tell you a lot more about this story -" like the way the
neighbor lady encourages Jason to hypnotize and seduce her own daughter,
because she's a natural submissive, or how Cindy found out her sister was
really hot in the sack and that her father was a veritable stud. But a hidden
suggestion in the back of my mind told me to stop and go into the bedroom and
suck my husband's cock. He's been reading a book on hypnosis lately. I guess
you'll just have to read the story for yourself. It has some fascinating
twists on the old mind-control and sex slavery themes.
Ratings for "Jason's Power"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Turnabout Is Fair Play" by Uther Pendragon
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=611785778
I have read numerous stories in which the woman sexily covers her partner's
cock with a condom as part of the foreplay. This is the first story in which
I have seen a male play a similar role. Hence the "Turnabout" in the title -"
or so I thought.
What does he do? Put the condom on her nose, or her big toe? No, silly; they
use contraceptive foam, and he inserts the tube in much the way one might
insert a dildo.
As I was reading this, I muttered to myself, "Don't they know that foam alone
is worse than a condom alone? " But then they answered my question by
completing the full turnabout of the title.
Actually, there are more turnabouts in this little story than you can shake a
dick at.
Ratings for "Turnabout Is Fair Play"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"All Hands" by Sasha Lorring (ArtaTrois@aol.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=616901235
This is one of those stories with a surprise beginning. As our story begins,
Alicia is waking up in a strange hotel room, fully dressed but tied into the
bed, with two sailors sleeping in nearby chairs. Easy plot, eh?
As you might have suspected, Alicia had been interviewing a client at a bar.
The client slipped a mickey into her drink while she went to the bathroom.
The sailors took umbrage at this form of sexual exploitation and rescued her
from the sinister client. Since she had no ID, they took her to their hotel
room and tied her to the bed -" so that she could not wander off and get
herself arrested, of course. I hope I haven't ruined the surprise beginning
for you. At least I didn't tell you that Alicia is also one of those sexual
mistresses we read about around here.
So I won't further ruin the story by telling you the details about the sexy
twists this story takes as it moves toward its denouement.
This was a very good story -" an excellent blend of erotic conversation and
sexy action.
Ratings for "All Hands"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Private Party" by Michael Smith (snake138@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=619050051
Beth and Bob get invited to one of those mysterious parties at a fancy
mansion. As is often the case when this happens on this newsgroup, it turns
out to be an invitation to an orgy of sorts. The overall effect is that the
orgy loosens them up and makes their love for each other deeper. Once you
grant the assumption that that's likely to happen -" and, if you're hanging
around this newsgroup, you're probably willing to go that far -" I think
you'll find this to be a good story.
Actually, this story involves voyeurism as well as an orgy. The novelty in
this story is the "musical chairs" procedure the participants employ to
rotate partners, while they enjoy the evening's entertainment. It's a very
nice twist.
Ratings for "Private Party"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Portrait of a Lady" by Beltorion (beltorion@aol.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=619062987
The young artist is going to do a portrait of his lover. She's actually more
excited about getting naked and seducing him, but she manages a nice compromis
ing position. That pun was mine; the rest of them in the story are the
author's.
The flirtatious banter between artist and model is really excellent. A
problem with the story was that it didn't quite come into focus for me.
However, this is the first story that I have seen by this author, and I look
forward to seeing more.
Ratings for "Portrait of a Lady"
Athena (plot & character): 8
Venus (technical quality): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Transformation" by Tonytony3 (tonytony3@juno.com)
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=483455846
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=483460853
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=483460859
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=483461982
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=483461989.
Bob is in love with Tina, but she goes off to a convent to become a Catholic
nun. Later she leaves the convent, and before you know it she is blissfully
married to Bob.
But the sex isn't as great as Bob knows it can be, and so they go to a
marriage counselor. This therapist, who is slightly more radical than Doctor
Drew, suggests a technique called "flooding," which refers to exposing the
subject to an overwhelming stimulation of a phobia in a safe environment. For
example, if your wife were afraid of snakes, you would flood her by putting
her in a room with a large number of harmless snakes. If they didn't bother
her, the phobia would be gone. Since Tina's problem is sex, the way to help
her get over her phobia is lots and lots of sex.
If this technique actually existed, there would be advertisements on WWF
telecasts, advertising flodding to horny husbands, while Jake the Snake made
his rounds with the Lovely Elizabeth. Actually, this might be the case, since
the last time I watched wrasslin' on TV was back when Jake the Snake and the
Lovely Elizabeth were doing their act together. I read somewhere that she
joined a convent when the snake suffocated in the bag. She eventually left
the convent and found that Jake could no longer meet her needs without the
snake. And so she became an author of sex stories.
The devil is in the details, which I won't reveal to you. I'll just say that
the solution involves Tina trolling the personals and bars and bringing home
an assortment of playmates, with whom she has sex, while Bob observes through
hidden cameras.
Let's just say that flooding has come a long way since the snake pit.
Ratings for "Transformation"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Knocking up the Daughter" by Phil Phantom (Phantom@Sonny.Net)
Guest Review by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com)
Anyone reading the title, "Knocking up the Daughter," won't struggle with the
story line. More, anyone who has a passing familiarity with the writings of
Phil Phantom won't ponder the subtlety of seduction either. So, now that we
know the rough plot line and Phantom's modus operandi, is there any real draw
to the story? In a word, yes.
Perhaps it's like the abusive comedian - we know how it's going to be but we
still have some morbid fascination of just how it'll play out. There's a
peculiar draw to reading a Phil Phantom story that is pulled to seeing just
how outlandish he will be this time. His characters are exagerations, hardly
sympathetic and usually totally self centered who are largely the antithesis
of anhedonia. For all of that, there's a certain unpredictability to the
degree of his exageration that makes for an interesting read - but not for
those who would hold for believability or tenderness. Hell, this isn't
alt.sex.spirituality, is it?
Ratings for "Knocking up the Daughter"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9 (It's a scene more than a story.)
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 9
"A Day at the Beach" by Henrik Larsen (). Guest review by Admiral Cartwright
A very pleasant little diversion.
A man takes his two pre-teen boys to the beach, where a 12- to 13-year-old
topless girl (the setting is Denmark) frolics in the water alongside his
boys, then helps them build a sand castle.
Dad notices, and later comes clean to his very petite wife. Implausible
though it likely would be in real life, she is inspired to fantasy: they
decide to pretend to be teenagers again, on a first date of sorts.
The writing is quite simple, but accurate, with one serious flaw: the copy
given me was missing part of a sentence. It was near the beginning, and easy
to forgive; if indeed it wasn't lost somehow in the transfer.
The author gets extra credit for leading me to expect a surprise ending. I
certainly was surprised, if left wondering about a few loose (tight?) ends...
Ratings for 'A Day at the Beach':
Athena (technical quality): 8.5
Venus (plot and character): 9
Admiral (appeal to reviewer): 8.5
"Fish or Cut Bait" by Phil Phantom (). Guest review by Dave Myers.
For a Phil Phantom outing, this is sadly below par. For a few years PP has
compiled an enormous body of above average family sex stories. This one is
just lazy and sloppy. It's aimed at such a lowest common denominator level
that it doesn't even seem to be the same author.
Basic plot is a blacking/impregnation bent. The hubbie doesn't even have to
do a lot of instigating, apparently-- he just cuts out of town and the
obedient family turns slutto while he's off fishing. And the rest is really
just a descent into utterly bland cliches lifted from parts (not even the
better parts) of previous works by myriad authors. I wouldn't have a problem
with the unoriginality if it had been good homage material, but it's really
not.
At points, the story almost mocks itself in the outlandishness of the sexual
atmosphere. Sometimes in other stories, this will work, if the author needs
to cover up the fact that no one in their right mind would really be able to
carry out those acts if they had a soul. Usually, the gonzo routine can't
cover up a whole story of this length, though. And it's true this time, _for
sure_. I tried to re-read the piece as an attempt at very dark comedy, but
it doesn't go.
As an aside, let me step on the soapbox- the gonzoization of America is
currently in full swing. It's been approaching a rabid level lately, and
doesn't appear to be letting up. Since Puritan days, we have had in America
those aspects of culture which we feel are "unmentionable" to a certain part
of society, yet still something that some people very much want to be
participate in (e.g., porn). In general, we sanitize, euphemize, and hide
these aspects at all costs. We're good at it, and it's part of the national
pysche to respond in that way. But damnit, lately the approach to "difficult
topics" has been a circusization and gonzoization-- an attempt to make light
that which we are not willing to fully confront. We need to stop doing this
to our art. It's a bad thing. And that's where I get off the soapbox.
In short, there should be "funny" family sex stories. This one ain't. There
*are* good family sex stories. This one ain't. It's a Jerry Springer bonanza
waiting to happen.
{No numerical rating}
<end>
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Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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